Moan for me like Helen Keller
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
