I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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