This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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