evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
