So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
