No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
