get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
People with herpes should wear stickers.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
