I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
