I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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