there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
