You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
