I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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