You smell like a Billy Joel song
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
