I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
