I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
