That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
