I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
