I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
