I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
