I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
