Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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