Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
