I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
