Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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