At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
