wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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