Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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