He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
So drunk its hurt
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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