I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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