3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
