i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
