we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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