My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
