Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
