There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
