i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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