So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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