I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
