I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
