I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just invented taco cereal.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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