Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
