So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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