If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
