i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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