I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
