she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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