I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
