The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I could fuck to npr.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
