I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
