I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
