I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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